(Washington, DC) -- The Trump Administration has announced a bi-partisan plan to ban what is being called "illegal fast shooting." President Trump Tweeted, "Our administration is working to protect children, and in addition to banning un-great and un-awesome bump stocks, we will be regulating the use of fast fingers and other items like belt loops, but we will be preserving your second amendment, as there's no one who loves the second amendment like me."
Attorney General Jeff Sessions was quick to add, "I have directed the BATFE to use social media and YouTube to identify fast shooters and compile a list so that they can be informed of our intention to ban fast shooting, regardless of whether an object is used to assist in rate of fire or just a fast finger."
Using world champion shooter Jerry Miculek as an example, Senator Diane Feinstein stated that she would take the legislation even further: "What the American public does not realize is that these fast shooters have years of training, which will not go away. I'm not suggesting a lobotomy at this time, but these individuals should be given the option of having their tendons severed, and if found in violation a second time, amputation. Let me be clear, I am not for registration of fingers, only a ban."
Senator Charles Schumer stated that, "The skills held by Miculek and others are a danger to our society. We cannot have gun owners walking the streets, picking up their children and grandchildren at school, and shopping at the mall with the ability to fire eight shots from a revolver in a second, or 27 rounds in 3.7 seconds out of a 9mm semi-auto pistol, or to shoot a semi-auto AR-15 faster than a full-auto M-16, as Miculek does. This type of skill and behavior should be illegal and I, as well as Dianne, thank President Trump for his bipartisan leadership to rid the nation of bump stocks and fast fingers."
Famous tattoo and TV personality Kat Von D, responded saying, "While I am against hunting, a registration program by which millions of gun owners would have to get their fingers tattooed with serial numbers for trigger-finger registration would help thousands of struggling tattoo studios across America."
Regarding the other side of the crisis of fast shooting, CEO of Levi Strauss, Chip Bergh, stated, "Although we have no problem with strict gun control, the belt-loops on our jeans do supply a need of keeping the pants up. Belt loops should only be used as intended, and any misuse of belt loops should be strictly punished. We will not support any legislation which calls for the banning of belt-loops at the three o'clock or nine o'clock position. Levi Strauss does not endorse shooting guns while wearing Levi's blue jeans, and I'm not even sure if this has been done in the past."
It has been shocking for some Americans to find that almost full-auto rates of fire can be produced with a semi-auto rifle simply by inserting a thumb through a trigger guard and then hooking the thumb on a belt loop, while holding a semi-auto rifle at one's side. CNN went to Billy Bob's Gun Emporium in Jupiter, Alabama, to find out just how long this belt-loop phenomenon has been going on. "The establishment is very intimidating with all kinds of Americana, Don't Tread on Me flags, dummy hand grenades, assault weapons, and big guys in overalls," said the CNN reporter. When asked about bump firing, Billy Bob stated, "We've been bump firing ever since I was a kid in the early '70s! Hell, this is America, last time I checked!" When asked to demonstrate how to bump fire with a belt loop, Mr. Bob responded, "Here, reporter man, pull my finger!" followed by the sound of someone who'd eaten too much cabbage for lunch, and hysterical laughter from Mr. Bob and his employees. No more information was gathered for that news segment.
Republican Senator Marco Rubio suggested that possibly we could keep belt loops on pants, but that gun owners could have them registered, adding: "As a Republican who believes in job creation, allowing belt loops to be registered would bring in thousands of jobs, not only to clothing manufacturers, who would need seamstresses to embroiderer serial numbers on them, but it would also increase jobs in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, with registration clerk increases."
Senator Ted Cruz responded in a Tweet, "You can have my belt loop when you pry it off my cold, dead ass." Other Republican senators and congressman said they are ready to "look at all options on the table" and would be happy to organize town hall meetings at JOANN fabric stores across the country. Florida Governor and senate hopeful Rick Scott suggested that sewing machines could be registered, and the age to buy a sewing machine could be raised to 21. Ohio Governor John Kasich appeared on CNN and added: "Why can't gun owners just wear spandex? The belt loop issue would then go away, and they could connect to their feminine side, which would decrease their need to be a Rambo."
Dave Weiner, a representative for Democrats for Reasonable Gun Ownership, stated that if a violator of fast firing could prove after five years that they could be trusted again, repair surgery of the severed tendon could restore the gun owner's ability to fire again.
Dr. Oscar Meyer of the American Society for the Surgery of the Hand (http://www.assh.org/) states that Weiner is full of baloney. "Anyone in the medical profession, as well as in sports medicine, knows that when a tendon is severed, almost all function of that finger is eliminated," he asserts. Although Mr. Weiner ignored Dr. Meyer's response, he went on to say, "We hope to have this legislation passed before our annual December 18th banquet, which this year, marks 140 years since the birth of Joseph Stalin."
On Friday, March 30, NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre stated, "The NRA is steadfastly involved with protecting Americans' right to hunt and to have a gun for self-defense." When asked about America's Founding Fathers' intention for individual citizens to personally own military arms to defend themselves against tyranny and genocide from a despotic government as a God-given right, LaPierre had no direct answer but stated: "We have framed and matted Bill of Rights prints on sale now in our gift shop." The NRA is also not in favor of Senator Feinstein's finger amputation proposal, but is in favor of expanded background checks for people with fingers.
On Saturday, members of Gun Owners of America began a photo campaign on Twitter and Facebook in response to Sen. Feinstein, whereby members are showing their middle finger while holding an "assault weapon" with their opposite hand. The photo's caption reads, "Amputate this!"
More tomorrow, when former President Barak Obama explains to FOX News anchor Shepard Smith why Americans don't need a trigger finger.
(Happy April Fools' Day!)